I didn't want to just say it out loud, so I made you this instead — a small corner of the internet with all the things I don't say often enough. Take your time with it.
— written the night before your birthday, by your stinky
keep goingthe short version of how we got here —
We met on Roblox, of all places, and somehow ended up talking on Discord that same night.
One day later we were already texting on WhatsApp like we'd known each other for years.
The first time I heard you laugh, I knew you were different. Even through a screen, I felt it.
Still here. Still choosing you, screens and distance and all.
Dear Sayang,
I've started this a few times and deleted it a few times, so I'm just going to write it the way I'd actually say it.
your laughThe first time I heard you laugh, I knew you were different. It's strange — we've never even been in the same room, and it still did something to me. It still does, every time.
your eyesWhen I look into your eyes, even through a camera, even through however many miles are between us, I feel like I'm looking up at an endless sky. I don't really know how to explain it better than that. I just know I never want to stop looking.
the way you careYou notice things. You remember the small detail I mentioned once, weeks ago, in passing. You check in at exactly the right moment. You show up for people without making a show of it. Being on the receiving end of that has changed how I think love is supposed to feel — not loud, just steady and real.
your strengthI've watched you carry hard days with a quiet resolve I genuinely admire. You don't need an audience for it, and you rarely give yourself credit — but I see it, and it matters to me more than I probably say.
the little thingsIt's never really the big obvious moments. It's the way you laugh at your own jokes before you finish telling them, the playlists you make, the random things you send me because you thought I'd like them. All of that, honestly, is what I think about.
Happy birthday. I love you.
— Toprak
you keep asking me these, so here —
properly, in writing:
I did not fall in love with you in one moment. There was no single day when I said "this is it." It was more like small things, one by one. The way you talk about things you love. The way you are honest, even when it is easier to lie. The way you are always there for me, every day, even through a screen. It never feels like work for you.
"why me, out of everyone?"Because no one else made me want to be a better person just by being near them. You never asked me to be kinder or more patient. I just started to want that, because you deserve it.
"why are you so sweet, so gentle, why do you do the things I want?"I am sweet to you because it is easy with you. I am not acting. I am not trying to win something. It is just what comes out of me when I am with you. And I do the things you like because your happiness makes my happiness bigger too. This is not me losing myself. This is me choosing you, again and again, on purpose.
"how are you sure you won't leave? that you won't regret me?"I cannot promise the future. No one really can. But I can tell you this: every day until now, choosing you has never felt like a mistake. It has felt like the easiest choice I make. And a love like this is not something you regret. It is something you protect.
So no, I am not going anywhere. Not on purpose. Not without a fight.
— Toprak
(she started calling me stinky and somehow it stuck)
still true, every single day
a few things I stuck up here (don't laugh)
photos I keep coming back to —
and these, because stills weren't enough —
one last thing
I saved this for last. Scratch it off.
